Updated: Aug 10, 2018
The weeks before Christmas I find myself lost in thought about myself, my family, where I’ve been and where I am.
You see 21 years ago our first son was born. A perfectly healthy baby boy with eyes as blue as the sky. Adorable little ears, very much like his father’s. And tiny little fingers that held my pinky tight. He also had a few bruises from a breach delivery but I really never noticed them.
He was in such a rush to get here, I suppose because he knew his time was limited. He came 4 weeks early and I was in labour for just 3 hours before he made his appearance.
He was so beautiful. I loved looking at him so much that I kept a little light on in the room so I could memorize everything about him. And now I see for good reason, as the very next morning he became weaker and weaker. Our perfectly healthy baby had contracted a virus when he was born, and just 28 hours later he left us…. broken hearted.
His very short life taught us so very much. And most all of it was about Love.
From the moment he was born he radiated Love. As STARS air ambulance flew him away to Edmonton, he left a trail of Love. At the Stollery Children’s Hospital we were met by family full of Love. As we were given the news that he didn’t make it, we were blanketed with Love from staff that we had never met before. As I was attended to in the emergency room a doctor sat down with my husband and I and talked to us about Love. He explained how a lot of marriages don’t make it thru this kind of a tragedy and to simply Love each other. Later we learned from a social worker that even though we couldn’t be with our son when he died that he was surrounded by Love. He was held by another…. with Love.
So thru all this sadness I still felt Love. The months that followed I cried myself to sleep over Love that I thought I had lost. But as time went on the Love I felt never lessened, it just expanded as I slowly realized I was still alive. My relationship with my husband strengthened with Love. The birth of my next 2 boys – so much more Love <3 <3.
Even now 21 years later, I still shed a few tears around his birthday. But now I’m feeling differently. I feel his presence …. and it’s Love. And that makes my heart smile, knowing that even though I didn’t see him grow up, he’s with me in every way. And it’s the reminder of Love – to see Love… to give Love… to be Love… and even greater… to accept Love.
So it makes me ponder…. does this mean our lost loved ones really aren’t lost?…. What if they are with us every moment in everything we do…. everything we say…. everything we think….
What if nothing can take this Love away from us…. not absence… not distance…. not even death…
What if they are that quiet voice…. telling us everything is going to be okay….. that we don’t need to be afraid….. that we should simply Love…..
What if they are the nudges we feel to follow our hearts… and not be afraid to follow our Love….. <3 <3 <3
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