Walking Thru Open Doors
Updated: Aug 10, 2018
This has been the theme of my life for the past 12 years. That day I woke up and realized that I had everything in my life except happiness. Being unkind to myself went to a whole new level. How could I not have happiness when I married the man of my dreams, had 2 amazing boys and built the house I had always envisioned? I judged myself very harshly and took myself to places that you wouldn’t send your worst enemy.
But in every cloud is a silver lining. This awareness brought me to a place that presented gift after gift. But each gift required walking thru an open door. Somehow I couldn’t see the door, there was always a block covering it. It didn’t matter what I was seeking clarity on – a hint of an answer would appear out of nowhere. All that was required was removing the block and walking thru the open door to realize the treasures on the other side.
Now this all sounds easy and magical, but it really wasn’t. It was even terrifying at some points. The blocks that were in my way were self sabotaging belief systems. Beliefs I was used to, so it was very hard to give them up. But once I summoned the courage to face the block then I could step past it toward that door even though I wasn’t completely sure what I was stepping into. But each time I did, it worked out better than I could have imagined or planned. I just had to let go of the control that I seemed to need.
And that was the hard part. Relinquishing control. Each time I stepped thru the door not only did I have to give up control, but I also had to give up a belief I had that kept me hostage in a very limited world. I started with little beliefs, you know the kind, small and safe ones. (still not ready to give up the reigns of control but willing to play with the theory!) Slowly as I had proof that this was working, I started giving up bigger and bigger blocks. Funny how hard it is to give up all these ideas that were blatantly limiting my life, but we are creatures of habit!
All these little steps and seemingly big doors opened my world up to limitless possibilities. Not only was I allowing myself to see the world with new eyes, I was also letting myself enjoy it without guilt. Guilt has always been a pretty big player in my life.
Each new door I would go thru chipped away another piece of that huge guilt I owned so well. I could see the progress slowly and surely, and yes true unadultered happiness began to take root in my life. The feeling of being in love with my family, my world, my life and even glimpses of love for myself, began to be my normal.
But this spring, my growth surprised me in a very large way. The door was so huge and glowing that it took me weeks to even contemplate going thru it. It was so symbolic of where I’ve been, and how far I had come. I was giddy, yet terrified to take the step and own everything I’ve worked so hard for. But after a couple weeks of thinking about it and with 1 week to plan it, I organized a trip for my entire family to go to England so I could take part in a “Happiness Coaching” workshop with Robert Holden.
From the moment we decided we were going. it became an adventure of a lifetime. We threw it together so fast (so uncontrolled!) that we arrived at the airport without currency! The old me would never have got past the first block of allowing myself to even consider going. Or feeling guilt for not being deserving, or some other non existent feeling made real by old belief systems.
Even from the moment I acknowledged that I wanted to go, to telling others (and I must say I have the best students ever rooting for me to make it happen! Thank you each and every one of you!) to realizing I could actually pull this off. I really had to work on receiving the possibility. That was the hardest part – allowing myself to actually do it.
But the new me went with a beginner’s mind, left guilt as an old memory and just went for it!!
We flew from Calgary into England like we were ignoring the night by simply flying into the next day with just one hour of darkness. Our hotel wasn’t ready for us so we grabbed a bite to eat at a pub then crossed the street to Hyde Park to have a sleep on the grass under the trees with our backpacks as our pillows.
I essentially lived a double life! Student by day, tourist by night. My guys picked me up at 6pm and we took the city by storm, seeing everything we could, not getting to bed til midnite most nights. Monuments, buildings, cathedrals, tours, street life, the theatre… – I felt like I saw everything I wanted to see. And that’s not even talking about the great adventure of riding the tube everywhere! Now that is an adventure!
All I wanted was to be with and enjoy every minute with my 3 favourite guys and my mission was accomplished!
Walking thru open doors, receiving what life has to offer, learning from all the obstacles… my greatest teachers and lessons came from the blocks that stood in the way of those open doors. But with determination I removed those blocks to love and happiness, and I continue to remove blocks but now with the knowledge that the open door is a safe place to cross into.
The best lesson I learned from my vacation, my family, my life is simply to remember what time it is… and dare to walk thru the open door.
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